In the long line of “yet another colleague has told the story of” posts comes another entry. I’ll get to the subject matter in due course, but I need to say this first:
Religious professionals talk to each other.
By which I mean we share experiences and details about the congregations we serve. We speak to each other of concerning behaviors. We lift up examples of bullying and neglect. We seek counsel for ways to encourage repair and recovenanting.
And we know which congregations are difficult or have an unbroken pattern of concerning behaviors.1
What’s amazing to me in each of these examples is what happens after the incidents, after the bullying, after the relationships are broken. Whether the ending is a negotiated resignation or other manner of pushing out the religious professional that leads to them seeking a new position elsewhere, what happens next is as predictable and still blows my mind:
Scores of folks show up to say how much their minister/DRE/music director meant to them, or helped them, or were the reason they kept coming back. Folks show up to say how surprised they are that the religious professional was a problem, because their experience was always positive. Folks show up to ask questions about what happened and never really get satisfactory answers.
After the religious professional leaves.
To the folks coming around after the fact, I ask this in the kindest possible way: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU WHEN THE SHIT WAS GOING DOWN?
Okay. I get it. Sometimes it’s not obvious shit is going down because it’s all happening behind closed doors/in emails/in the parking lots and coffee shops. And the religious professional, being professional, knows that it’s a small group fomenting dissent and there’s a whole congregation to serve.
Depending on how involved you are in the congregation, you may never hear any whispers or encounter those folks who are upset about something and who think the only solution is to push out the religious professional.
Which they’ve more than likely done more than once.
Congregations have patterns baked into their zeitgeist – we often talk about this in terms of their DNA. I know a congregation who (according to folks who came in shortly after they opened) was founded by “the meanest UUs I’ve ever met” - and that meanness was still on display some 50 years later. Others experienced some difficult first ministries and have learned to “break up first before they break up with us.” And more. Every congregation has something baked in, and only those who take health seriously examine their behaviors regularly and ensure they’re not slipping into old patterns. In other words, some went to therapy and took it seriously, some went because they were told to, some refuse to seek therapy.
Thus, the religious professional who answers the call to serve a congregation with a troubling zeitgeist (often a brilliant, young, queer minister who is not a dude) finds themselves the target for decades of unhealth they could never have been prepared for. Many leave your congregation, and many leave the work altogether.
A colleague recently mused at the lack of available interns this coming year – we have UUs in seminary, but few want to take on internships. Because few want to be in congregational ministry. Because the stories have trickled down to them too.
What does it say that we have more entrepreneurial religious professionals than ever before? Some who have never served or not served a congregation for more than a couple of years?
It says that the bullies are winning. The zeitgeist is too strong. The DNA has replicated.
In part because no one is saying, before it’s too late, “this religious professional helped me/inspired me to something bigger/made me feel seen and heard/helped save my life and the life of others.”
I am pretty sure some of this is a White people problem – I watch folks who are Not White intentionally lift up and celebrate friends, colleagues, and heroes with joy and heart. Meanwhile, we White folk complain, identify problems, attempt to keep people ‘right sized’ and wind up minimizing them. I don’t know why for certain; some of it’s the competitive nature of the culture we were raised in, some of it’s a false sense of deprecation that refused compliments and praise because it’s…. something something egotism.
Blech.
It’s time to create a culture of praise and affirmation. And not just a line or two of kudos in the newsletter or a private thank you card. Proclaim it. Celebrate it. Religious professionals too often wonder if they’re having an impact at all and question their call to ministry – tell them about how they’ve impacted your life (even if it’s a small thing, like “now I’m also hooked on The Good Place” or “I fell down an internet rabbit hole learning more about the Apache”).
When you create a culture of praise and affirmation, the problems that aren’t really problems fade, and the things that are still a concern have a nurturing space in which to address them. When you create a culture of praise and affirmation, your DNA changes and the zeitgeist shifts. When you create a culture of praise and affirmation, the congregation gains a reputation of focus on health, and professionals will want to serve there.
It might be time to “try a little tenderness.”
Or simply to “give them [their] flowers now.”
Yes, some religious professionals have a pattern of concerning behaviors too, but that’s outside the scope of this post. Know that there is a defined and democratically affirmed process for addressing it that involves investigation and space for repair and reconvenanting - and in extreme cases, removal from service. This post is about when the religious professional is the target of bullying.
Well, this Butch is reading your column with tears streaming down their face! I wish you were right here so I could just give you a big hug. Distance predetermines that "Thank you" will have to do...well, "thank you" and also, please know that this column (and others) ARE saving my life. It's too late for my career in the parish, but God ain't done with me yet and reading this/these truths spelled out over the pages each week has given me strength to crawl back towards that call and reclaim what serves...what serves me, my community, and the world beyond.
THANK YOU my dear colleague and friend!
BIG BIG Love to you!
Shayna