Bully for You
how discord gets sowed in our congregations
In a delightful and wide-ranging conversation with my friend, the Reverend Diana McLean, she shared the story of a cat that her cousins brought home one day, much to the dismay of their mother. The cat responded by spraying pee to mark its territory. Which is one of the more unpleasant smells in the world. One time, to disperse the smell after cleaning up, Diana’s aunt set up a fan. Into which the cat sprayed. And which spread even wider. And stank even more.
Some Unitarian Universalists show their displeasure by spraying their discord into a fan. Which gets all over the congregation, and stinks, and is nearly impossible to clean up if left too long.
Of course it doesn’t actually look or smell like cat pee. Humans sowing discord has a different look:
Sometimes the discord looks like an unwillingness to change – whether it be something small, perhaps about announcements in the worship service, or something more widespread, like the words we use to describe our faith. We are seeing this in the sometimes-angry discourse from those who want to keep our faith exactly the way it was in some imagined perfect moment.
Sometimes the discord looks like undermining a leader or minister. This has shown up in this Substack before – the quiet conversations in the parking lot or at the diner, encouraging complaints and suggesting something should be done.
Sometimes the discord looks like badgering – continually asking a question when the answer has been provided, in hopes of a different result. This happens often to staff members – usually office administrators – who won’t or can’t do a task that isn’t theirs to do.
Sometimes the discord looks like sealioning – relentless questioning (often couched in a pretense of civility or sincerity) meant to exhaust the other participants into giving up, with no intention of real discourse leading to understanding. This shows up a lot in annual meetings, especially around the budget or a bylaw change.
Sometimes the discord looks like triangulation – putting someone in the middle of a conflict and not communicating directly with the person they’re in conflict with, often hoping that third person will take their side. This also looks like circumventing the process to get something done; it even can look like circumventing leadership and going to the newsletter editor or office administrator under the guise of authorized communication.
Sometimes the discord looks like extortion – yes, extortion – withholding their pledge, or reducing their pledge, or threatening to leave the congregation entirely if they don’t get their way. All because they don’t like the new minister, or they think the congregation talks too much about social justice, or their pet project didn’t get selected, or they think the choir director hates them.
All of this falls under one umbrella term:
Bullying.
Some Unitarian Universalists are bullies.
And what’s worse is that many who bully don’t even realize they’re doing it, because they believe (and say) they “just want what’s best for the congregation.”
The problem with that line is twofold:
First, too many people believe that’s true, and are willing to excuse the behavior because “their heart’s in the right place,” and they often think that welcoming all people means welcoming all behaviors. Raise your hand if you have said or heard someone say “oh, that’s just how they are.” And so the bully continues sowing discord.
Second, they actually just want what’s best for their individual experience in the congregation. They imagine being satisfied all the time, getting their way all the time, being praised for their insight and gifts and service all the time. And when that doesn’t happen – that’s where the trouble begins. Because they forget that their religious community is not a club where you get member benefits, nor is it a corporation where stockholders demand a return on investment.
Bullies sow discord in part because capitalism tells them they should get their needs met first.
But we are countercultural. And we know it when we talk about things outside our walls – we are great supporters of mutual aid and community care, of human rights and decency, of fair pay and fair treatment.
It would be great if the behavior we see inside our walls reflects that too.
This is why we talk so much about covenant – and lately why we talk so much about reconciliation and repair. It doesn’t just matter that we say we are in covenant, we have to follow through. And while that work is sometimes hard, it often works. The person sowing discord comes back into covenant, relationships are repaired, and the congregation is healthier as a result.
And. We have to recognize that some people are unwilling to behave in accordance with our covenant – and that’s okay. They still have inherent worth and dignity, but the ways they behave harm the community.
Yes, sometimes you have to let go of people in our congregation. I promise you, letting go of those who sow discord and will not stay in covenant is healthy. In the short term, membership may decline. It may make you second guess those decisions. But in the long term, new people will find you, and the new folks will find you healthy and loving.
And the place won’t stink.
Postscript: I have a pretty sensitive bully-o-meter, as I was actively bullied from nursery school through high school. No one ever laid a hand on me; it was psychological bullying from the first moment, which I’ve spent thousands of dollars in therapy understanding and healing from. Those scars still remain, although faded through the years, and they help me see bullying behavior in others. And… it’s only recently that I’ve felt able to use the word about behaviors in our congregations. The word “bully” is still largely thought of in the context of schoolchildren, and we only drag it out on rare occasions for larger-than-life celebrity/political new stories. But bullying by adults is a reality, and we must name it as such.
And sometime it looks like Ministers and professional staff bullying congregants.