What About Bob?

sigh... you're wearing us out...

Yesterday, I had yet another in a long string of conversations with religious professionals and lay leaders at the end of their rope with the guy in the congregation who sends taunting emails and criticizes things no one else is upset about… the guy who keeps controversies alive with his whataboutism and floods inboxes with sealioning… the guy who just can’t be bothered and almost delights in sneaking in slurs and misgenders folks and somehow still manages to get a pass.

Let’s call him Bob.¹

And they all ask me, what is it about me that attracts Bob’s attention? Why does Bob get to me? And what can I do when no one in the congregation is willing to hold Bob to account?

It’s a good question, and I’m not sure I have answers that don’t sound rote - insert all the things about right relationship, relational accountability, and pastoral care here. And yes, all of those are important, but it never seems to help in the moment.

Because in the moment (and I’ve experienced more than my share of them), and despite all our training to remain self-differentiated, our fight/flight/freeze/fawn response kicks in. And to be fair, when we’re not in actual danger and that stuff kicks in, our systems are over-reacting.

In the moment, we cannot solve the problem of Bob. But what we can do is - or at least what I’ve tried to do - is this:²

1. Change your immediate situation. Leave the room, leave the building, eat something, wash your face - something that just shifts the immediate environment.

2. Breathe as well as you can for a moment.

3. Phone a friend - or at least make arrangements to talk to a friend.

In that conversation, hopefully your friend will help you with these things:

1. Affirm that Bob’s reaction is not about you - and it’s not your job right now to figure out what it’s about

2. Take a moment to consider how powerful he actually is, which is often not very (often, Bob is a former lay leader… or he’s retired from a professional leadership role)

3. Take stock of the positive comments you’ve gotten about the thing Bob is complaining about; alternately, review the facts of a thing Bob is getting wrong

4. Remember that Bob’s reaction is not about you; now it may ultimately be your job to help Bob figure that out, but definitely not right now

5. Understand that Bob is looking for your reaction; don’t reply right now

6. Remember that Bob’s reaction is not about you, but he’s somehow decided to aim at you (because of your position, or your gender, or your race, or because he senses your weakness), but it’s not your job right now to figure it out

7. Breathe. And more, find something funny to laugh at (it’s good for releasing tension - see this scene from Steel Magnolias)

After that amazing conversation, acknowledge how hard it is for people to confront others about inappropriate behavior; Bob continues because there is some way in which (or a reason that) confrontation will open a can of worms. But then, bring some good people together (other leaders/professionals), and devise a plan to make that confrontation possible.

This isn’t easy. Bob can be intimidating, and exhausting, and we of course want to be nice. But as we know, niceness makes us doormats. Be kind. Kind is strong, and firm, and is aimed toward all the people Bob has hurt.

The kind act is to help Bob change his ways… or to help Bob find the door.

1. There are a lot of great Bobs out there, too - just like there are some amazing Karens (Karen Carpenter, for one).

2. I am not a psychologist or trained mental health professional. Heck, I’m not even an expert in pastoral care. What I am is a middle aged woman who’s learned a few tricks thanks to seminary training, experience, a childhood ruined by bullying, and a whole lot of therapy.