We Are Family... aren't we?

some hot takes on intergenerational communities

I’ve been thinking about this for a while… and while I’m not an expert on growing religious education programs (although I’m having lunch with one next week), I do have some thoughts on things I know are happening. Yes folks, the congregational year hasn’t even started and there are shenanigans.

First off, please. How many times do I have to say this: Do not say you want more families and then cut the religious education budget. (And that includes the religious educator’s salary.) And more, do not do it because there aren’t more families.

Especially when you expect children to go directly to classes when families enter the building. You are absolutely saying “children shouldn’t be seen nor heard… we’re just happy to know they’re there.” Are you? ARE YOU?

Including children in worship does not mean they leave after ten minutes of announcements and five minutes of prelude. How do you expect our children to learn how to be a church person if they don’t actually experience all that we do, and why it matters? I think I’ve told the story of an Easter when I asked that two teens be our ushers, and they had no idea how to greet or what the offering was, no less how to pass the plates. They had literally never seen it done before, and that’s shocking.

And yes, some religious education programs want the children after only five or ten minutes. You want to know why the parents and teachers are asking for the kids to leave for classes that early? Two big reasons: One, because the kids are bored, and nothing in worship is keeping them engaged. Two, because the adults in the sanctuary make it abundantly clear they don’t want to hear, see, smell, or sense children.

How do you expect children to understand if they’re being shoved aside week after week? And do you think parents will keep bringing their kids if their children aren’t valued? Hell no. This is a fast track to losing - not gaining - families.

And that’s just worship.

Consider all of the activities you do outside of the service. How many are for adults only? How many for children only? And how many are truly intergenerational?

When there aren’t intergenerational opportunities for fellowship, you create a divide in the congregation - not just kids and grownups, but families and not-families. Over and over again I hear older adults remarking that they see younger (under 50) faces and have no idea who they are except ‘they must be one of the RE parents’. And I hear younger adults feel disconnected from anyone who isn’t also raising kids - including being disconnected from leadership.

Y’all.

This isn’t just frustrating, this is uncovenantal. You simply cannot be in covenant with your faith community if you aren’t connected to and including people of every age in your faith community.

Remember: we are the last public space that is truly and intentionally intergenerational. No where else do people intentionally gather whose ages range from ‘cradle to grave’. If we make the conditions hard for our youngest - and those who raise them - to feel a sense of belonging, we will lose them faster than you can say ‘we’re an aging congregation.’ And guess what: if you don’t make some significant changes in attitude, welcome, programming, and budgeting, you’ll age your congregation right into oblivion.

We can’t afford for you to do that. We need homes for liberal religion more than ever, because no matter the outcome of the election, there will still be people out there trying to outlaw some bodies, and books, and democratic processes, and privacy, and autonomy. We need to help our children understand why what is happening is wrong, and help them build spiritual and practical tools for fighting for justice and equity.

We can’t do any of that if you insist in making conditions as unfavorable inside our walls as you can for the families who need us.

So how about you come back into covenant with everyone, eh?