Let's Give Up...Careless Remarks
just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you can be careless
Hello, fellow travelers on the journey! It’s week two of my Lenten series!
We here at Hold My Chalice are a motley bunch from a variety of religious faiths, but there’s something quite lovely about a season where we consider what no longer serves us and how we might prepare ourselves for what’s next. So this Lenten season, we are considering seven things we say or do or believe in our congregations that no longer serve us, and maybe we can give them up.
This week: Careless Remarks.
Last week, Pope Leo XIV’s social media account shared this quotation:
It reads “I would like to invite you to a very practical and frequently unappreciated form of abstinence: that of refraining from words that offend and hurt our neighbor.”
I suspect he was thinking more about the bigger ways in which people display their racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, and all the other -isms. God knows we hear enough of it every single day - not just on social media and overheard in public places - but also from politicians, faith leaders, and other movers and shakers.
But there’s a way in which good people still hurt each other with careless, casual comments that too often get excused because “that’s just Bob” or “he didn’t mean it that way” or “she’s from a different time.”
Blech.
Yes, sometimes a careless remark is made entirely by accident; perhaps the person doesn’t know realize that their choice of words or their tone causes a bit of concern. We can sometimes get passionate and use words or a tone that is simply emphatic to us but is received as something harder than that. For example, I know that sometimes when I get really impassioned, I can sound a little angry when I’m not at all. But I also try to watch for it, because now I know.
Even when I’m just with a group of people I’m extremely comfortable with.
And that’s key.
Comfort and authenticity does not give us a free pass to be careless with our speech. We can be thoughtful and careful all the time. And honestly, if you’re very comfortable being your authentic self with someone, they’ll be patient as you take the time to choose your words.
What if we took our time? What if we were willing to give up not caring what we say, even to our most intimate kith and kin?
Maybe that would model something for the ones who don’t make careless remarks by accident. I’ve written about them before: these are the people who actually delight in sneaking in slurs and misgendering folks and somehow still manage to get a pass.
In that article, I offered tips on how to deal with these kinds of people. But what if you are one of these kinds of people? What if you are the one who keep offering careless remarks, on purpose, to get some kind of attention or engagement?
If you are, then I hope you’ll consider taking up this Lenten practice. For a few weeks, resist the urge. Don’t send the email. Don’t slip in the slur. Pay attention to pronouns and language that’s been used to harm. And then see what happens. How are people reacting? How does it feel to release some of the angst or anger or fear that may be behind those comments? How do you feel about your friends, your family, your community?
Pope Leo is right - this abstinence practice may be giving something up, but it’s actually engaging a new practice: kindness.
So into the trash goes careless remarks. And off the free table, we pick up kindness.
See ya next week.