A few days ago in a collegial setting, someone shared the Honest Preacher sketch that’s been going around for about 8 years now. This one right here:
In the comments, I remarked that this is Hold My Chalice’s foundational text.
But not because I want to call out Dan, or because some of you are making me feel bad in front of God. (Okay, maybe a little bit of that.)
It’s because we should never have to get to this point in our congregations.
Why are we so bad at calling out bad behavior? Why do we think the world will crash down around us if we call our beloveds back in to covenant?
Oh wait…
Is it because some of you actually react badly to being called in? Being held to a standard the community mutually agrees upon? Being asked to do better, because that’s what Love calls us to do?
Yeah.
I say this all the time, I know. But I’m struck by how many people say to me “I wish you would write about this thing happening” because I provide some cover, I’m not invested in the system, and I’ve probably heard it elsewhere too.
They say it because it’s easier to share a weekly column than it is to actually talk to some of you. And that’s because some of you are in fact Dan (if you haven’t watched the video yet, do that now). But you don’t even take it as well as Dan does, because Dan sits quietly and thinks about what he’s done. No, instead you get angry, and instead of expressing your anger to the person trying to call you back in, you send emails to too many of your friends or post on Facebook or undermine the religious professionals.
In short, you make the person who’s trying to help you be better the ‘identified patient.’
I’m not an expert in family systems, but as I understand this part of Bowen’s family systems theory, a family or other organization becomes a closed system where people know their roles and that balance adjusts to protect unhealthy behavior. When someone decided to be healthier, which bucks against the roles and balances, they are seen as the problem. So, for example, if someone in a family rife with alcoholism decides to get sober, they are seen as the ones forsaking the family. Similarly, in congregations, the people who start holding boundaries and seeking relational accountability are the ones causing problems.
And soon, everything that is wrong - or perceived to be wrong - gets dumped on that person. The identified patient. They’re the problem.
Sometimes that manifests in undermining the healthier leaders.
Sometimes that manifests in a great deal of back channel discussions and triangulating.
Sometimes that manifests in resignations or firings, which often leads to splits.
And all of it leads to distrust. Distrust of the system, distrust of the people with positional power, and most of all, distrust of change.
No wonder the preacher’s mad at Dan.
No wonder people like me are the ones speaking these truths for the religious professionals and lay leaders who cannot.
So here’s a bold suggestion:
Next time you think you want to triangulate, send that email, plot in secret…. don’t. Sit with your big feelings. Feel your feelings. Wonder about where they came from. Wonder why what was said to you makes you feel angry… or ashamed… or embarrassed… or whatever feeling you’re feeling.
Then sit some more. Consider that the person who invited you to better behavior and kinder relationship wasn’t doing it because they hate you, or are fighting against you, but because they love you.
And then talk to them about it. Seriously. Talk to them.
I promise you right relationships and covenantal agreements are not punishments; they’re meant to help you and all of us communicate better, show kindness better, be better, love better.
In other words, “you guys… stop being bad!”
You're like Paul! We need you to keep writing.