High Expectations

if you could only read my mind

A short one today, as I enter the first day of what I’m calling Thirty-One Days of Ridiculous Awesomeness, and I’m already late. (I’ll explain more at the end.)

What I wanted to share was something a wise colleague shared, which she heard from another wise person:

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Read that again.

Yeah.

Now to be clear, this isn’t about things like a congregation’s shared vision or strategic goals, or even our personal goals.

This is about deciding that a person or organization will do something without making it clear that’s what you expected them to do… and then being resentful that they didn’t read your mind or behave exactly as you wanted them to.

I see this all the time in the disappointment people have about their religious professionals; you know that their predecessor did a thing, so you expect them to do it without you having to say anything.

And you forget that no one knows that’s an expectation except you, and so you resent them for not doing it. (Examples that come to mind are things like making unscheduled visits to every member, or being in the office from dawn to dusk every day, or never being quite intellectual enough in their sermons, or not knowing how the coming of age classes used to be run, or not playing enough folk music, or or or…)

I know too many ministries that have ended too soon because of resentments like this - borne of unspoken expectations (or unrealistic expectations). We know it’s easier to shift expectations when they’re named or discussed before resentment sets in, and it seems everyone’s afraid to talk about these things with their religious professionals, which is incredibly odd, because most of you hired/called that person in part because they were easy to talk to.

Sigh.

Expectations are premeditated resentments. And that’s a pretty terrible way to approach people who are engaged in the good work of our faith.

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Meanwhile, I want to manage expectations for the Thirty-One Days of Ridiculous Awesomeness:

What is so ridiculously awesome, you ask?

Well, today I head out to attend The Distillery: A Unitarian Universalist Preaching Conference, which runs through the weekend (Saturday’s programming is open to everyone and has a virtual option…hint hint). Then I am attending the Transitional Ministers UUMA Chapter seminar, which runs every day next week. Then I hop on a plane to spend the better part of the week with colleagues on the UUA’s Appointments Committee, where we’ll be doing a lot of work (and some team-building) in service to our Association. I get back with enough time to see Lewis Black at the Kennedy Center and then zip up to White Plains to preach. Then it’s back home, where I then spend two weeks at nearby Wesley Theological Seminary, where I am beginning classes for a Doctor of Ministry in arts and theology.

Like I said, ridiculousness. And awesomeness. It’s going to be an incredible 31 days, and I suspect a year’s worth of topics.

Now I will probably post something new next week, because the ridiculous part of the awesome day doesn’t start until 11am. But for the following four weeks, I’ll be doing some reposts of some pieces that are what I consider some of my ‘greatest hits’ - the pieces you’ve shared a lot, or those I think are particularly appropriate for late April/early May, or pieces I just love because I think I’m hilarious.

And then I’ll be back with fresh content on May 22.

And if I haven’t said so lately, thanks for reading, subscribing, and supporting. And if you don’t already support Hold My Chalice, consider doing so!