Hands Off
I can't believe I have to say this in 2025
I want to drop a reminder today: despite all that’s happening in the US right now, we who are engaged in various forms of organized (or disorganized) liberal religion are in fact extraordinarily countercultural.
By which I always mean we follow teachings about connection, honor, compassion, justice, kindness, and generosity. We are anti-fascist, anti-corporate, anti-racist, anti-all the things that separate and harm others.
Today, let’s add anti-skeezy.
It seems like a small thing, in the scope of all that we’re facing, but this is important: how we talk/engage with other humans we might (or might not) find attractive in our various religious settings matters.
Now I’m sure all of you are thinking about the female-presenting people who get comments about their hair, their weight, the cut of their dress, the height of their heels, the fry in their voice, their youth, etc. etc. etc. Women are experts in fielding inappropriate-to-downright-skeezy comments from others in their congregations - whether or not they’re religious professionals.
Did any of you think about the male-presenting people? No? You should. I know of many who get comments about their appearance, their weight, the depth of their voice, their fashion sense. One reports being compared to the “Hot Priest” played by Andrew Scott in Fleabag.
You may also not have thought about spouses/partners either; one colleague mentioned his husband being called “Hot Santa” at Christmas services. Another talked about how his partner stopped attending because of comments about being the ‘vicar’s sexy wife’ and a third was chastised as ‘the cause of men’s temptation.’
And you probably haven’t thought about how handsy people can be with others they are religiously intimate with. They know their pastor, they know their RE director, they know their fellow board members… and so the unwanted touches, the surprise hugs, the cheek kiss in greeting (what is that called?)… they all come out unbidden.
Almost every time I’ve witnessed someone being called out on these things, they respond with innocence and often the excuse of having a connection. They think they’re close to the other person, or at the very least being innocently complementary. They don’t see it as a problem, so why do you?
These things happen all the time in communities where consent, and boundaries, and respect are taught. Are valued. Are a foundational part of who these communities claim to be.
This is the slippery slope, folks. This is how we get from an internal appreciation (that should not be spoken or acted upon) to objectification. And once we’re objectifying, we’re dehumanizing. And when we dehumanize… well, you know that line you’re not supposed to cross? Look behind you.
By the way, this skeezy behavior is exactly what the bro ‘alpha male’ culture is trying to teach your young men to emulate. The dehumanization in these posts and videos is not just creepy, it’s downright scary. And remember, this is a step in how dehumanization of entire groups of people begins. And once they’re dehumanized, well… they can be dealt with in ways that are absolutely offensive to what we know to be true about other humans - that they are human, with a right to exist. We HAVE to combat this in our congregations, and we have to start now.
Back to the skeezy comments/touch stuff: I know that many people wind up meeting their partners in congregations, but it almost never starts with a skeezy comment or touch. It’s demoralizing, and off-putting, and just plain awful, especially in places where we want people to feel like their whole selves belong. Keep doing this and they’ll keep withdrawing.
Just… don’t do it. Resist the urge. Make better choices for yourself and those around you.
Note to paid subscribers: I’ve been reading your comments from Deeper Conversations #1 and they’ve been so interesting and intriguing! There are so many threads to follow… we’ll start examining them in #2 on Monday.
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