Going Deeper

congregational health and maintenance mode

Part of the preparation for ministry in Unitarian Universalism (and other faiths) is a career and psych assessment, completed usually during seminary. This process helps identify suitability but also areas where ministerial candidates might do further inner work and reflection.

When I attended mine (at the time it was a two-day, in-person event), much of what surfaced was insightful but not surprising. But what sticks with me is this: at some point, we got to talking about my experiences in therapy, and I spoke about how it had helped a great deal at times of crisis. The counselor then asked a simple question: Have you ever gone to therapy when you weren’t in crisis?

That rocked me back in my chair, because I hadn’t. I had always gone when something big had happened, and once I’d gotten through, I left therapy with tools and some healing. But I’d never stayed, in a more healthy state, to do any deeper or more expansive work. Yes, I took his advice, and I discovered the benefits of deeper, growth-focused work.

Now I tell you this because I am currently working with two congregations who are really quite healthy - yes, it does exist. And they aren’t working through crises. They aren’t in panic mode. They aren’t struggling with the latest fight or budget crisis or controversy or power grab. They aren’t battling with each other and letting poor behaviors thrive. They aren’t blaming each other for things that aren’t the way they used to be.

These congregations are not perfect, of course. But they are emotionally and spiritually mature - and they have done a great deal of work on themselves, and gotten through crises, and learned from them, and then stayed in it to address the systemic issues that caused some of those crises (namely around communication and expectations).

And now they’re tackling deeper, growth-focused work.

They are being careful, and considered, and always in conversation.

And when things do spring up, as they did for one of the congregations this past month, it is elegantly dealt with. That isn’t to say it isn’t hard - this one in particular was a challenge for me (and thank you all for the grace you showed as I took an unexpected bye week). But instead of it blowing apart everything, people have been careful and thoughtful. They have preferenced being in relationship over being right. They have checked their assumptions, and proceeded with love. And now things are easing out, and it’s clear that there is a community of people holding each other as we navigate it.

I know we talk a lot about healthy congregations, and they sometimes seem like unicorns. But what I know is that they do exist. They are not problem-free; rather, they have the emotional and spiritual maturity to work through them rather than let them fester or explode. And more, they continue to work on themselves, with deep reflection and careful tending of their systems and each other.

And.

There is no reason all of our congregations can’t be this way, so I wonder what the difference is in terms of what turns a congregation around. What happened that made them choose health and live into it? What did they finally learn as a congregation that stopped them being so hard on each other? What was the moment? Or the decision? We are great at figuring out what happened to harm a congregation, but what happened to heal one?

I’ll be thinking about this for a long time - and as the congregational year continues, I’ll keep my eye on these two to see if I can figure out what the difference really is.

Because it’s a real gift to witness, and it gives me hope.